Thursday, July 8, 2010


Dear Bank Employee Who Called Me At Work,

I didn’t answer my cell, because I didn’t recognize your number. Your urgent, “Ms. Shannon, please return my call as soon as possible, I have something very important to discuss with you” voicemail did put the fear of God into me, though. Had I somehow managed to spend all my money without even realizing it? Was I sleep-spending hundreds of dollars online? My sleeping pills do make me groggy, these things could happen! Maybe someone suspicious was trying to access my account, or someone had stolen my credit card number and had surpassed my limit!

So I’m sure you understood my panicked call to your secretary, and my even-more panicked feelings when she told me you were helping another customer, and I would have to hang up and wait for your call back. So I sat at my desk worrying my ass off, visions of slimy identity thieves spending my hard-earned money plaguing my every thought. When my cell finally rang 15 minutes later, I snatched it up and blurted out a panicked, “HELLO THIS IS SHANNON”, my anxiety reaching its pinnacle.

Imagine my surprise when you greeted me with a cheery, “Ms. Shannon, you have a VERY important decision to make about protection from overdraft fees!” In case you couldn’t tell, those seconds of silence on my end were due to my overwhelming urge to reach through the phone and strangle you. I managed to control my irritation through your whole gratingly cheery spiel: “OMG LIFE WITH OUR OVERDRAFT PROGRAM IS AWESOME!! IT IS MADE OF RAINBOWS AND GLITTERY UNICORN FARTS OMG!” I will admit, I took vicious satisfaction in the disappointment in your voice when I turned down your omg-super-awesome (but not so awesome for me, thank you very much) plan. Next time, don’t put me on the defensive before I even call you back, k?

No love, from your grumpy, slightly disgruntled customer,

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